Why aren't you guys Riffing this?
"Goshdarnit, Tina, you need to find yourself a husban', get in the kitchen and be a good mother."
"But Pops, I'm a lesbian."
"Well, Imma make you straight."
"Hey girl? The gravitational pull of your orbiting moons have shifted my tides."
"Ma daddy tol' me black people can't be seen in mirrors. Abrakadabrah!"
"I am greatly offended, young lady. HAVE AT YOU."
"I'm here to seek a cure for my granddaughter."
"Hello random contender, maybe I can help you."
"NO! I'll do this alone. Dammit, would people stop helping me, I can cross roads and take a shit on my own."
These are pretty horrible. Make your own.