It does lean more on the competitive side, I still don't see why competitive = rude and condescending.
You have to give people straight answers. If they are trying to win, or rather, if they are unhappy with their situation, and want to change it, you can't beat around the bush. You have to go straight to the point. Anything else is inefficient and wastes people's time.
Since the problem is a personal one, the solution is going to seem "ad hominem".
If you just talk about things in general, well- people speak for their own truths. They may not sugarcoat it, but they are just saying what they think is right.
I have not seen out-and-out name-calling flame wars here (if there were, the moderators usually have stepped in). I see people who have strong beliefs- and when you have that, people aren't going to be gentle. It is just the way things are.
But in the broader context where everyone is suggesting changes for the game, and everyone has a vision of what the game should be, the kind of "well, it's not what is so get over it" mentality is actually a bit hypocritical.
How so?
The odds of Team Ninja changing the game drastically with the next patch are low. These kinds of changes are core to the game- you could only expect for them to be acknowledged with the release of a DOA6.
At this point in time, asking the game to be something it's not is a fruitless effort. I can't put it any other way.
To answer the post; find likeminded players? Look for specific connections. Don't play in ranked, because that will just get the kitchen sink, and it sounds like you don't want that.
I agree.
Nothing wrong with private lobbies. I usually have the most fun in them.